In the past couple of months our home has gone from this:
To this:
It started about a month or two before baby boy was born. Our youngest began to have meltdowns nearly every 10 min. Teething? Mama's bulging belly? The fact he was getting closer to 2? Who knows...
But here we are 10 days pp and I'm at my wits end. All three of our older children...OK actually its our oldest and almost two year old...are an absolute wreck. Our oldest has suddenly decided he's "angry" with every single thing we ask him to do or every single time we tell him "no" or don't give him attention the second he wants it. He's tantruming, making faces, and declaring how angry he is with us. And our near two year old has suddenly become addicted to treats and asks SERIOUSLY a million times a day for sugar in one form or another. If we tell him no (which we do 99% of the time) he throws himself on the ground and SCREAMS. We've tried correction, putting him in a chair in the living room until he can calm down, and distracting him. But seriously this preoccupation with sugar is about to make me go insane. And of course he has to know where I am at ALL times and when I try to rest in my room wants to be on my bed climbing around.
Parents with 4 or more little ones, how do you cope? How do you keep from yelling? The Bible tells us over and over how important self control is, how important it is to not drive our children to wrath, and how important it is to live in love and gentleness. I want to raise our children in calmness and dignity. One of my favorite quotes goes like this:
"An irritated parent comes across as a bully rather than a dignified authority training for the child's good."
I always want to be dignified, calm, in control of my emotions, and loving. I hate yelling at my children and the affect it has on them. I see that it not only elicits an emotional response from THEM, but also causes them a great deal of tension and frustration and anger. More than anything I want to parent in a way that deals with the behavior in a responsible way that will actually concentrate on their heart and bringing them closer to the Lord instead of bullying them into proper behavior.
So please, tips from you mamas with more experience!
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8 comments:
This is a description of our house exactly. (Although 2 months pp, things are finally calming down. The 4 year old's behavior completely blindsided me.)
Last week we started disciplining swiftly. Immediate punishment (and subsequent forgiveness) for disobedience/defiance/etc. Tantrums we wait out (ignore or comfort, depending on situation and kid). Behavior is improving greatly. My husband and I are very laid-back, and that can be good, but when it comes to a house full of toddlers and babies, it's bad. And it got really bad when #4 arrived.
So I suggest say what you mean, mean what you say, refrain from yelling as much as possible (hard, I know, when someone sprays a hose through the guest bedroom screen, etc., etc.), and administer due justice swiftly. Our 3 year old boy, when informed of his punishment for disobedience, said "Ok," because he knew the terms.
I know all this is common knowledge, and all good parents do this stuff, but I'm lazy and have fallen into bad habits.
Oh, and NO rewards/threats language. Not even, "if you eat your sprouts, you can have tapioca.." Just tell them how it's going to be, and if they get tapioca later, that's incidental.
And mom is not on the computer during the day (when kids are awake, at least). And everyone (I mean everyone) stays in the same room, so I can keep an eye on them.
It's exhausting, but probably not as horrible as 3 more kids and complete chaos (and me growing bitter or despairing).
I'm praying for you!
Oh, haha, funny your first pic is broken.
Also, raisinggodlytomatoes.com is helpful, although I think the theology is a little off. Practical (and obvious in a forehead-smacking-way)tips, though.
http://www.raisingarrows.net/ Her theology isn't perfect, but she has a nice big family, homeschools, and keeps a clean home. And she has detailed helps on how to implement this instead of just saying you should.
I've been struggling with only one toddler while my husband has been away for 5 weeks of military training. Some days I wonder how I'm going to handle it when baby #2 arrives in April... sorry I can't help, but I'm eager to hear tips ;)
Great tips from these other mothers, especially the immediate consequences the the godly tomatoes.
I do quite a bit of deep breaths/praying and sometimes just have to give myself a time out. Even if they do dump out something else while I breathe and pray...
I have not broken the habit of yelling. So glad grace covers me.
I make it a point to be honest with the children too. As in, I AM SORRY I lost my temper, will you forgive me?
So humbling, but much better than raising hypocrites.
and Katy- I am breaking your rule about the computer and awake children right at this minute...
but you are right, it does so easily lead to yelling. Boundaries, self.
Emily (and Melrose), those are just some practices my husband and I have found helpful for our family. Not saying they are golden or the key to well-behaved kids. I realized, though, a while back that yelling was the result/end of some other problems. It feels like everything I'm doing is a reaction and I never am initiating anything (sort of like when I play Go or Chess). So some of those practices above change that.
Also, my daughter's godfather posted this this morning:
>" The Devil works in despair over sins. I'm glad these words are drilled into my head every Sunday at the start of service, because they come to mind in those despairing times: "If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. But if we confess our sins, God, Who is faithful and just, will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."<
Amen. There's nothing I despair more over than being a bad parent and driving my kids to sin. Praise God for Christ's grace!
huh, not sure why the picture isn't working on everyone else's computer, it continues to show on mine, either way, you get the point.
Katy, I agree, I think all of us have to find our own boundaries based on our own weaknesses or strengths to know what things help us to be a better parent and not drive our kids or ourselves into further sin than we already constantly struggle with.
For me the computer is not something that causes me to struggle or causes me to give my children a hard time. In fact, it's quite the opposite for me. If I stay away from my computer all day I get lonely and grouchy and snippy. Living in a town of less than 1500 with no friends has a way of making someone enjoy a quick peek on facebook to see how my sisters and little brother on the other side of the country are doing. It warms my heart and helps me remember my family is still out there even if they are far away.
So while I agree with all the practical and very true tips and always try to run my home in this well ordered and Biblical way, it's easier said than done when you've just given birth, are still healing, and the kids are emotional about Mama being down and a new baby brother taking all the lap time while Daddy is hard at work preparing for Advent. This pp melt down is not something that was caused by a continuous lack of consistency, but rather an emotional couple of weeks following a baby's birth.
I think I'm resting in grace for now knowing soon I will be back on my feet and will have more time and ability to "deliver quick correction" but for now I'm staying in prayer and remembering "this too shall pass" and trusting that my children will not be ruined in a matter of two weeks while I finish healing.
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