Giving Thanks

Warning to readers: honest (albeit negative) assessment of pregnancy, birth, and pp period follows: perhaps do not read if you are sensitive to this topic as of now. (Though I promise it ends in Gospel :)

You'll have to excuse me for my lack of posts lately. Ever have those times in your life where you feel like you just have nothing to offer? Where you feel like it takes enough energy just to do the basics of household and family care let alone to do any extra character building (children OR yourself!), Bible reading, organization, etc etc?

You know, the further I get into this baby having gig and family growing gig the more I find myself pondering the sheer difficulty of it all....wondering (not in a poor me kind of way for really, I'm not trying to whine here) why it is that the Lord has allowed the journey of what should be the most glorious of times with the trauma that accompanies every stage. Now if anyone points me to Adam and Eve I'll roll my eyes big time. I know the reason but... I guess I'm lamenting it. Sinner and Saint, at all times...my husband said last Thursday during our weekly Bible study that when a child is baptized he is baptized into a war. That imagery really hit me hard. Because I feel it more than ever in this time of my life of growing, birthing, and sustaining babies.

It's not enough that we gain 25+ lbs, get kicked in the ribs for 9 months, lose sleep, pee all the time, lose more sleep, get heart burn, have strange pregnancy dreams, have round ligament pain, have low back pain, have pain everywhere, get gawked at and questioned and touched by strangers, and wonder every second of every day if our little one will make it safely to the font...but THEN we have to endure hours of agony as we push the child out, again wondering who will be alive on the other side.

But the weeks following the birth can be even worse. I had my best birth yet and still I dealt with the normal after birth contractions for days, bruising and deep pain from baby's head, engorgement, a delayed pp hemorrhage, the emotions of getting to know this tiny new person and all of his needs and trying to keep him warm, happy, and safe in a household of brothers, and coming to terms with my new family size and mentally getting past the trauma of labor and transition and delivery.

Needless to say I was so excited to go back to church this past Sunday and prayed fervently that the Lord would help my children behave so I wouldn't have to drag children out when I still have to be careful about healing. The children were perfect. Seriously. I was almost distracted BECAUSE they were GOOD! lol.

But then my husband gave one of the best sermons I have ever heard. Seriously. The Gospel reading for the day was the Lord separating the sheep from the goats on the Last Day. I shivered at the thought and teared up. Oh Lord: I am weak, I am lazy, I am a doubter, and I despair over the curse women must endure...Lord have mercy.

I waited to hear about what I failure I was.... for when have I fed or clothed you Lord??? Imagine my joy when instead what I heard was mercy for those that ask, "Lord, when did I clothe you or give you a drink?" and instead law for those that declare with boasting that they did all of those things and trust in their own works.

For it is not about boasting in ourselves, but boasting in Christ. HE is my strength. HE is my joy. HE is my peace. HE is mercy, love, forgiveness, and that warm embrace that I need when my world seems scary, full of too much change, and I just want to curl up in my Daddy's lap. But most importantly, HE is the fulfillment of the law. His works are my works, His mercy is my mercy, and His life is my new life.

So I may be a bit scattered for a few more weeks while I adjust to my new family in one of the busiest times of year. I pray you all are doing well and staying healthy as these dark days of winter come. May Christ truly be our light and joy in the weeks to come.